Funny Quotes - Page 71

Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open. And then he has to step out and come around and close that door. And while he's doing that, I'm on the other side opening the other doors-and we just go around and around and around, and I got my own Benny Hill situation going on in life.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Should I be the one to play God? We're both about the same age, but we grew up in different neighborhoods.

Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball for 90 minutes and at the end, the Germans always win.

Human beings can be beautiful. If they are not beautiful it is entirely their own fault. It is what they do to themselves that makes them ugly. The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes. If you foolishly ignore beauty, you will soon find yourself without it.

At every concert I've sensed a certain insecurity about the tempo. It's clearly marked 80...uh, 69.

Accelerando means in tempo. Don't rush.

Translators are like ninjas. If you notice them, they’re no good.

Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would serioulsy consider fakin' it.

Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you.

If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.

Off the floor I'm really laid back, like nothing really fazes me too much. But on the floor I do get emotional and a little carried away. However, I started playing when I was 13 to have fun with my teammates, and that never stopped. I enjoy traveling and having fun in the locker room with the guys. Life is too short to be miserable.

Copy and paste is a design error.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

This is my depressed stance. When you're depressed, it makes a lot of difference how you stand. The worst thing you can do is straighten up and hold your head high because then you'll start to feel better. If you're going to get any joy out of being depressed, you've got to stand like this.

Life is too short to do the things you don't love doing.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Cats always seem so very wise, when staring with their half-closed eyes. Can they be thinking, I'll be nice, and maybe she will feed me twice?

When men are pure, laws are useless; when men are corrupt, laws are broken.

Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies.

This island is made mainly of coal and surrounded by fish. Only an organizing genius could produce a shortage of coal and fish at the same time.

If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.

I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

Winning doesn't really matter as long as you win