Funny Quotes - Page 72

In terms of the creative side of it, it's really been a thing where you come up with the funny stuff is usually at a bar or out talking to people or whatever.

You don’t need to be a completely complete human right now … That’s what makes you human.

Fill what is empty, empty what is full, and scratch where it itches.

When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

Those who have never had a father can at any rate never know the sweets of losing one. To most men the death of his father is a new lease of life.

We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.

If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

I had to stop drinkin, cuz I got tired of waking up in my car driving ninety.

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody put a flagstick on top.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Other things are just food. But chocolate's chocolate.

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed man.

On the wagon sped, and I, as well as my comrades, gave a despairing farewell glance at freedom as we came in sight of the long stone buildings.

A skeptic is a person who, when he sees the handwriting on the wall, claims it is a forgery.

Age is wisdom if one has lived ones life properly.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

One frequently only finds out how really beautiful a really beautiful woman is after considerable acquaintance with her; and the rule applies to Niagara Falls, to majestic mountains, and to mosques-especially to mosques.

I don't know a lot about politics, but I can recognise a good party man when I see one.

Whatever with the past has gone, The best is always yet to come.

Life is like Sanskrit read to a pony.

I wish I had a funny story.

A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he doesn't know.

Boxing is the only sport you can get your brain shook, your money took and your name in the undertaker book.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.