Funny Quotes - Page 73

You know what they say about big hitters...the woods are full of them.

The new Haitian baseball can't weigh more than four ounces or less than five.

The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

Women will never be as successful as men because they have no wives to advise them.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Saying, 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying, 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled

People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Art is so often better at theology than theology is.

Are you there vodka? It's me, Chelsea. Please get me out of jail and I promise I will never drink again. Drink and drive. I will never drink and drive again. I may even start my own group fashioned after MADD, Mothers Against Drunk Driving, but I'll call it AWLTDASH, Alcoholics Who Like to Drink and Stay Home.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

I have got two reasons for success and I'm standing on both of them.

Journalists are like dogs, when ever anything moves they begin to bark.

Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

I'm odd looking. Sometimes I think I look like a funny muppet.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry, stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie.