Funny Quotes - Page 76

Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

Time flies. It's up to you to be the navigator.

Never get married in the morning, because you never know who you'll meet that night.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.

There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There was a young man of Herne Bay.

Acquiring a dog may be the only opportunity a human ever has to choose a relative.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

What doesn't kill you makes you smaller

The church is like manure. Pile it up, and it stinks up the neighborhood. Spread it out, and it enriches the world.

Life, alas, is very drear. Up with the glass! Down with the beer!

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian.

The shortest period of time lies between the minute you put some money away for a rainy day and the unexpected arrival of rain.

Linux is only free if your time has no value.

A sense of humor... is needed armor. Joy in one's heart and some laughter on one's lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life.

You put a baby in a crib with an apple and a rabbit. If it eats the rabbit and plays with the apple, I'll buy you a new car.

To be in love is merely to be in a state of perceptual anesthesia - to mistake an ordinary young woman for a goddess.

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much - just an occasional sun visor.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

I've seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

Beauty is less important than quality.