Funny Quotes - Page 75

I guess now that I think back, I used to play priest and be a funny priest. I don't know, I grew up in such a Catholic family that I kind of liked to test the boundaries a little bit and I think I had fun watching my mom laugh.

No matter how you travel, it's still you going.

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.

Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag

August in Kansas City is hotter than two rats f**king in a sock.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

[conductor Eugene Ormandy introduces Warfield to the audience in an unintentionally humorous way:] With us tonight is William Warfield, who is with us tonight. He is a wonderful man, and so is his wife.

Bizet was a very young man when he composed this symphony, so play it softly.

Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion - they're two words which are both ... different. In spelling.

Most people think that aging is irreversible and we know that there are mechanisms even in the human machinery that allow for the reversal of aging, through correction of diet, through anti-oxidants, through removal of toxins from the body, through exercise, through yoga and breathing techniques, and through meditation.

Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did - that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that - a parent's heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

If even dying is to be made a social function, then, grant me the favor of sneaking out on tiptoe without disturbing the party.

I'm known as a kind of dramatic, serious, almost humorless actor and the fact is, I'm a funny guy, and I spend most of my life trying to find a lighter side of things, and on stage was given plenty of opportunity to do that.

Yesterday I was lying, today I am telling the truth.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'

I have caught more ills from people sneezing over me and giving me virus infections than from kissing dogs.

When I got my first TV set, I stopped caring so much about having close relationships with other people.

Anytime you see a turtle up on top of a fence post, you know he had some help.

About 100 things that your kid will do that will surprise you and break your heart and it will be a combination of fact based therapy, medically advised kinds of passages accompanied by celebrity anecdotes and just some funny stuff to lighten the load.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.