Funny Quotes - Page 78

An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home.

When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend and I used to think that he went everywhere with me, and that I could talk to him and that he could hear me, and that he could grant me wishes and stuff. And then I grew up, and I stopped going to church.

You can stump any stoner with one question: What were we just talking about?

Time wounds all heels.

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.

If inflation continues to soar, you're going to have to work like a dog just to live like one

After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody."

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that's surprised by it's own farts

Money is the best deodorant.

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

If your parents never had children, chances are... neither will you.

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Travel far enough, you meet yourself.

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month.

A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well - almost.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

In America any boy may become President, and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes.

Only when the tide goes out do you discover who's been swimming naked.

Why pay a dollar for a bookmark? Why not use the dollar for a bookmark?

The decathlon is nine Mickey Mouse events and the 1500 metres.

I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.