Hilarious Quotes - Page 3

Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness.

If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to do it?

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

We hope that, when the insects take over the world, they will remember with gratitude how we took them along on all our picnics.

It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figure, why take the chance?

I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

My life is an open book. With illustrations.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase.

I only go out to get me a fresh appetite for being alone.

Confidence is the sexiest thing a woman can have. It's much sexier than any body part.

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.