Hilarious Quotes - Page 2

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

I've had great success being a total idiot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing noise they make as they go by.

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

A man never knows how to say goodbye; a woman never knows when to say it.

Sorry, I'm allergic to bullshit.

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.