Hilarious Quotes - Page 4

There's power in looking silly and not caring that you do.

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.

There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.

Psychiatry is a pseudoscience.... You don't know the history of psychiatry. I do...Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, you don't even -you're glib. You don't even know what Ritalin is.

I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

If you even dream of beating me you'd better wake up and apologize.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

Those jeans are comfortable, and for those of you who want your president to look great in his tight jeans, I'm sorry I'm not the guy. It just doesn't fit me. I'm not 20.

Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate.

I am a tender, beautiful and loving guy that happens to slap a photographer now and then because they get in my way.

When your about to criticize someone walk a mile in thier shoes, that way when you criticize them you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

I always say, the bigger the hair, the smaller the hips!

Inside me there's a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes.

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.

I don't want to be alone, I want to be left alone.