Witty Quotes - Page 17

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I'd like to live as a poor man with lots of money.

My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.

The biggest defeat in every department of life is to forget, especially the things that have done you in, and to die without realizing how far people can go in the way of crumminess. When the grave lies open before us, let's not try to be witty, but record the worst of human viciousness we've seen without changing one word. When that's done, we can curl up our toes and sink into the pit. That's work enough for a lifetime.

We'd all like to vote for the best man but he's never a candidate.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

How can I lose to such an idiot?

There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

True knowledge exists in knowing that you know nothing.

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

I'm single because I was born that way.

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

It is one of the most hauntingly beautiful places in the world, the history is fascinating, the men are handsome and the whisky is delicious. But don't eat the macaroni pies.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.