I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
I am writing a book. So far I have the pages numbered.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
