Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
The speed of time is one second per second.
Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Half the people you know are below average.
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.
43.7 per cent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
