Steven Wright Quotes - Page 6

I took a lie detector test the other day. No, I didn't.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".

Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers. You'd see a flock of birds come by, laughing hysterically!

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"