Steven Wright Quotes - Page 2

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"

The older you get, the more you learn to see what you've been taught to see. When you're a kid, you see what's there.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.