If heat rises, then heaven must be hotter than hell
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'
I've never seen electricity, that's why I don't pay for it
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
