Steven Wright Quotes - Page 7

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

I have not lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere.

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

The other day I ... no wait, that wasn't me.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

What do batteries run on?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

Clones are people two.

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

I lost a button hole.

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?