Fun Quotes - Page 73

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.

All men are equal before fish.

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Hands up if you’re ready to do something you’ll regret this weekend. Go forth! You have my blessing.

The best of America drifts to Paris. The American in Paris is the best American. It is more fun for an intelligent person to live in an intelligent country. France has the only two things toward which we drift as we grow older—intelligence and good manners.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me

Woman wants monogamy; Man delights in novelty. Love is woman's moon and sun; Man has other forms of fun. Woman lives but in her lord; Count to ten, and man is bored. With this the gist and sum of it, What earthly good can come of it?

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Magnetism is one of the Six Fundamental Forces of the Universe, with the other five being Gravity, Duct Tape, Whining, Remote Control, and The Force That Pulls Dogs Toward The Groins Of Strangers.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

If people are taking pictures of me at Starbucks, it's not the end of the world. It's cool, it's fun, it's exciting.

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.