Funny Quotes - Page 130

I like women. I don't understand them, but I like them.

I'm one of the most decorated tag teams ever!

If you want to kill an idea without being identified as the assassin, suggest that the legal department take a look at it.

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say - 'Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You've all sucked on my tits.'

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".

The dog is a yes-animal. Very popular with people who can't afford a yes man.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I never make predictions and I never will.

Young men want to be faithful, and are not. Old men want to be faithless, and cannot.

As one reads history ... one is absolutely sickened, not by the crimes that the wicked have committed, but by the punishments that the good have inflicted.

I was once thrown out of a mental hospital for depressing the other patients.

I've had a really weird day, some joker threw bamboo in the penguin enclosure. They all vaulted out. It was a nightmare, it took me all morning to get them back in.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

Just to settle it once and for all: Which came first, the chicken or the egg? The egg, laid by a bird that was not a chicken.

Jenson Button is in the top ten, in eleventh position.

I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong.

Suicide, is a persons privilege. I don't believe it's a sin or a crime it's your right if you do. Though it doesn't get you anywhere.

Alcohol doesn't console, it doesn't fill up anyone's psychological gaps, all it replaces is the lack of God. It doesn't comfort man. On the contrary, it encourages him in his folly, it transports him to the supreme regions where he is master of his own destiny.

The grinding of the intellect is for most people as painful as a dentists drill.