Funny Quotes - Page 129

Every dog should have a man of his own. There is nothing like a well-behaved person around the house to spread the dog's blanket for him, or bring him his supper when he comes home man-tired at night.

I don't like the beach. I think we have no business at the beach at all, as a species. We don't belong in the sea. The sea is full of things that bite us, sting us, hurt the soles of our feet, and it's extremely cold. When are we gonna take the hint that the things that live in the sea don't like us?

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.

There's no "brothers" when it comes to white people. We are just complete individuals. We don't care about each other. He's not my brother; my brother lives in Ohio - I don't know that guy.

Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

I don't understand you. You don't understand me. What else do we have in common?

When a piece gets difficult, make faces.

Facebook's new relationship status option: "No longer able to interact with actual people"

Thanks to the Internet, people we might have only suspected of being idiots can now give us ample evidence.

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.

In every American there is an air of incorrigible innocence, which seems to conceal a diabolical cunning.

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.

Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.

There once was an old man of Lyme who married three wives at a time when asked, 'Why a third?' he replied 'One's absurd! and bigamy, sir, is a crime!'

Liberals are very broadminded: they are always willing to give careful consideration to both sides of the same side

They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them

Please stop waiting for a map. We reward those who draw maps, not those who follow them.