Funny Quotes - Page 132

You never came out the way you came in.

MaCleod, since you've flown the SeaBee a lot you'll understand when I say it was the only airplane I ever owned that you could put in a dive, loose a cylinder and stall out!

Only one marriage I regret. I remember after I got that marriage license I went across from the license bureau to a bar for a drink. The bartender said, "What will you have, sir?" And I said, "A glass of hemlock."

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.

People come up to me... concerned... that I'll reproduce.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.

It's not true that life is one damn thing after another; it is one damn thing over and over.

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.

If a bullfrog had wings it wouldn't bump his behind every time he hopped.

A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

Kissing babies and hugging fat girls.

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! 'Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

Bank failures are caused by depositors who don't deposit enough money to cover losses due to mismanagement.

Dogs act exactly the way we would act if we had no shame.

In opera, there is always too much singing.

Everyone has their own sound, and if you're heard enough, folks will come to recognize it. Style however, is a different thing. Try to express your own ideas. It's much more difficult to do, but the rewards are there if you're good enough to pull it off.

I saw 28 Days. I don't remember rehab being like a day camp or being that funny. Rehab is a dumping ground. It's a big landfill.

All knives and forks were working away at a rate that was quite alarming; very few words were spoken; and everybody seemed to eat his utmost, in self defence, as if a famine were expected to set in before breakfast-time to-morrow morning, and it had become high time to assert the first law of nature.