Funny Quotes - Page 135

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

We're a team, and just by the nature of our sport, we're always promoted together. I think we are definitely two different people with two different personalities, but we're always linked.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.

The principle of give and take is the principle of diplomacy - give one and take ten

All of us contain Music & Truth, but most of us can't get it out.

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

There's a battle between what the cook thinks is high art and what the customer just wants to eat.

The key to success is not through achievement, but through enthusiasm.

A man has one hundred dollars and you leave him with two dollars, that's subtraction.

She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.

How is the world ruled and led to war? Diplomats lie to journalists and believe these lies when they see them in print.

Humor is most powerful thing that uses laughter as it base to chase your blues away.

As scarce as truth is, the supply has always been in excess of the demand.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"

Change is not a four letter word...but often your reaction to it is!

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

Get the right people on the bus, the wrong people off the bus, and the right people in the right seats...

If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world.

Funny enough, if you are looking at people these days who are putting Botox in their face and getting all sorts of plastic surgery, we look at them and go, I can tell you've had Botox. I can tell you've had plastic surgery. You look really strange to me. But no one's saying anything. We're just accepting the fact that they're strange-looking.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.