Funny Quotes - Page 133

I know. I'm lazy. But I made myself a New Years resolution that I would write myself something really special. Which means I have 'til December, right?

As pissed as a fart in a vacuum cleaner.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a safe full of cherries 'cause I pop it and lock it.

If you gain, you gain all; if you lose, you lose nothing. Wager, then, without hesitation, that He exists.

Like almost everyone who uses e-mail, I receive a ton of spam every day. Much of it offers to help me get out of debt or get rich quick. It would be funny if it weren't so irritating.

What I'd like to do now - well, what I'd like to do now is grow my beard very long, weave it into my pubes and strum it like a harp.

Dear Lord, I've been asked, nay commanded, to thank Thee for the Christmas turkey before us... a turkey which was no doubt a lively, intelligent bird... a social being... capable of actual affection... nuzzling its young with almost human- like compassion. Anyway, it's dead and we're gonna eat it. Please give our respects to its family.

I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.

I am a deeply superficial person.

Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their earthly pedestals.

God gives us our relatives – thank God we can choose our friends.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.

My education was dismal. I went to a series of schools for mentally disturbed teachers.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

I no doubt deserved my enemies, but I don't believe I deserved my friends.

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

No one is fit to judge a book until he has rounded Cape Horn in a sailing vessel, until he has bumped into two or three icebergs, until he has been lost in the sands of the desert, until he has spent a few years in the House of the Dead.

In the 1998 Oscars, I found myself in the bathroom in a stall, next to Tom Selleck. So I leaned over and I said ‘looks like we’re a couple of peeing Toms.’ His angry silence is something I’ll never forget.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.

Its so funny whenever things come full circle.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.