Funny Quotes - Page 131

I believe in stopping work and eating lunch.

I'm in favour of drug tests, just so long as they are multiple choice.

On a crowded bus in Israel, a mother was speaking to her son in Yiddish. An Israeli woman reprimanded her. "You should be speaking Hebrew. Why are you talking to him in Yiddish?" The mother answered, "I don't want he should forget he's a Jew."

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular.

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

As long as you're excited about what you're playing, and as long as it comes from your heart, it's going to be great.

Catholic school graduates exhibit a wide variety of qualities that will not only help them in their careers but also in their family and community lives.

My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."

When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

Life is like a Ferrari, it goes too fast. But that's ok, because you can't afford it anyway.

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Soup is just a way of screwing you out of a meal.

When I die, I want to decompose in a barrel of porter and have it served in all the pubs in Dublin. I wonder would they know it was me?

The lawyer's truth is not Truth, but consistency or a consistent expediency.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

Many years ago a very wise man named Bernard Baruch took me aside and put his arm around my shoulder. "Harpo my boy," he said, "I'm going to give you three pieces of advice, three things you should always remember." My heart jumped and I glowed with expectation. I was going to hear the magic password to a rich, full life from the master himself. "Yes sir?" I said. And he told me the three things. I regret that I've forgotten what they were.

I would be scared to go under the knife, but you know, talk to me when I'm 50. I'll try anything. Except I won't do Botox again, because I looked crazy. I looked like Joan Rivers!

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Most rock journalism is people who can't write, interviewing people who can't talk, for people who can't read.