Funny Quotes - Page 134

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

A cousin of mine who was a casualty surgeon in Manhattan tells me that he and his colleagues had a one-word nickname for bikers: Donors. Rather chilling.

A man's friendships are, like his will, invalidated by marriage - but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.

I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

Life is a banquet, and most poor suckers are starving to death.

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

I don't know what's wrong with that girl.

The law is simply expediency wearing a long white dress.

It (LSD) opened my eyes. We only use one-tenth of our brain. Just think of what we could accomplish if we could only tap that hidden part! It would mean a whole new world if the politicians would take LSD. There wouldn't be any more war or poverty or famine.

I don't think I'll ever be a real boat reporter. My Rolex isn't big enough.

When a man says he approves of something in principle, it means he hasn't the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice.

I love acting. It is so much more real than life.

Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life.

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.

Dammit Sir, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure!

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

I've sometimes thought of marrying - and then I've thought again.

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

With two laps to go then the action will begin, unless this is the action, which it is.

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.