Funny Quotes - Page 155

I find that rock climbing is the finest, most healthiest sport in the whole world. It is much healthier than most; look at baseball, where 10 000 sit on their ass to watch a handful of players

America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin For one dollar and use it up in two weeks.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn't hit her.

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Always keep a smile. I attribute my long life to that. I believe I will die laughing. That's part of my program.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.

You have to have been a Republican to know how good it is to be a Democrat.

What happened down in the dungeons between you and Professor Quirrell is a complete secret, so, naturally the whole school knows.

The first law of dietetics seems to be: if it tastes good, it's bad for you.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Confront a child, a puppy, and a kitten with a sudden danger; the child will turn instinctively for assistance, the puppy will grovel in abject submission, the kitten will brace its tiny body for a frantic resistance.

A church is a place in which gentlemen who have never been to Heaven brag about it to persons who will never get there.

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

You know, I use organic products, but I get [laser treatments]. It's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu.

I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.