Funny Quotes - Page 153

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Today, folks, should be all about love. Unless you're old.

After Michael Jordan had scored a play-off record 69 points - I'll always remember this as the night Michael and I combined to score 70 points.

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.

Smoking is indispensable if one has nothing to kiss.

I never threw an illegal pitch. The trouble is, once in a while I toss one that ain't never been seen by this generation.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

The Church has always been willing to swap off treasures in heaven for cash down.

The remarkable thing about Shakespeare is that he really is very good, in spite of all the people who say he is very good.

... don't be afraid to screw up !... one of the key issues to learning is making mistakes ... if you're not making mistakes, you're probably not having a very good time

When the eyes say one thing, and the tongue another, a practiced man relies on the language of the first.

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth.

The Apple store is not a store. It is an exercise in evangelism.

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

No man is greater than his respect for sleep.

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

When I pictured heroin, I pictured some crazy crackhead with no shoes under a bridge. You never think that is going to be you. And it never was me. I was never under a bridge, and I always had shoes.

In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman.

They think we are retarded. They are retarded.

I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. She asked me, "How would you like your eggs?" I thought I would answer her anyway and said, "Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don't have that much time! Scrambled!"