Funny Quotes - Page 154

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"

Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.

I don't want to be put on a pedestal. I want to be known as a nice and normal person, but my skills are a little more excelled.

Teenage girls, please don’t worry about being super popular in high school, or being the best actress in high school, or the best athlete. Not only do people not care about any of that the second you graduate, but when you get older, if you reference your successes in high school too much, it actually makes you look kind of pitiful, like some babbling old Tennessee Williams character with nothing else going on in her current life. What I’ve noticed is that almost no one who was a big star in high school is also big star later in life. For us overlooked kids, it’s so wonderfully fair.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

There's no sauce in the world like hunger.

Mumps, measles, and puppy love are terrible after twenty.

Email is such a funny thing. People hand you these single little messages that are no heavier than a river pebble. But it doesn't take long until you have acquired a pile of pebbles that's taller than you and heavier than you could ever hope to move, even if you wanted to do it over a few dozen trips. But for the person who took the time to hand you their pebble, it seems outrageous that you can't handle that one tiny thing.

Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich.

Acting is an empty and useless profession.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close.

Have you ever had one of those moments when you look up and realize that you're one of those people you see on the train talking to themselves?

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.

I wrote the story myself. It's all about a girl who lost her reputation but never missed it.

Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.

In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.

The nicest thing about quotes is that they give us a nodding acquaintance with the originator which is often socially impressive.

The same people who never did their homework in high school are still doing that to this very day out in the real world.

My arms are too short to box with God.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.