Funny Quotes - Page 152

Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel.

I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?

Half the lies they tell about me aren't true.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's Secret catalogue.

I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker Brothers and they are going to make a game out of it.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

The face of "evil" is always the face of total need. A dope fiend is a man in total need of dope. Beyond a certain frequency need knows absolutely no limit or control. In the words of total need: "Wouldn't you?" Yes you would. You would lie, cheat, inform on your friends, steal, do anything to satisfy total need. Because you would be in a state of total sickness, total possession, and not in a position to act in any other way. Dope fiends are sick people who cannot act other than they do. A rabid dog cannot choose but bite.

I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.

A company is known by the people it keeps.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you ever injected truth into politics you would have no politics.

I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses.

I inherited a painting and a violin which turned out to be a Rembrandt and a Stradivarius. Unfortunately, Rembrandt made lousy violins and Stradivarius was a terrible painter.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

To establish any mode to abolish war, however advantageous it might be to Nations, would be to take from such Government the most lucrative of its branches.

The last thing one discovers in composing a work is what to put first.

My business is hurting people.

Hermits have no peer pressure.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.