Funny Quotes - Page 172

In Hollywood, we have some of the richest unemployed people in the world. They have sun tans. Some of them have chauffeurs in Rolls-Royces waiting outside. They have their golf clubs ready in the car. There is no law that says you cannot play golf while being unemployed.

Adultery - which is the only grounds for divorce in New York - is not grounds for divorce in California. As a matter of fact, adultery in Southern California is grounds for marriage.

It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I never said most of the things I said.

I think Little League is wonderful. It keeps the kids out of the house.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

As a boy, I was ashamed to wear glasses. I memorized the eye chart, and then on the test they asked essay questions.

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

There is no such thing as a good tax.

The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.

Do you not know I am a woman? when I think, I must speak.

Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

They who drink beer will think beer.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Customers perceive service in their own unique, idiosyncratic, emotional, irrational, end-of-the-day, and totally human terms. Perception is all there is!

Being a Scientologist, when you drive past an accident... you know you have to do something about it because you know you're the only one that can really help.

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

Once in a while you find yourself in an odd situation. You get into it by degrees and in the most natural way but, when you are right in the midst of it, you are suddenly astonished and ask yourself how in the world it all came about.