Funny Quotes - Page 173

Oh, this beer here is cold, cold and hop-bitter, no point coming up for air, gulp, till it's all--hahhhh.

The second mouse gets the cheese!

The only happy artist is a dead artist, because only then you can't change. After I die, I'll probably come back as a paintbrush.

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

There's nothing wrong with being gay. I have plenty of friends who are going to hell.

I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change.

Landscapes are culture before they are nature; constructs of the imagination projected onto wood and water and rock. It is... difficult to think of a single natural system that has not, for better or worse, been substantially modified by human culture. The cultural habits of humanity have always made room for the sacredness of nature.

Almost every man wastes part of his life attempting to display qualities which he does not possess.

You know, if you play on home soil sometimes funny things can happen and you have that push of the crowd.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories: those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, "Why are you jogging in your underwear?" He says, "You came home from work early".

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'

When I was growing up they used to say, "Robin, drugs can kill you." Now that I'm 58 my doctor's telling me, "Robin, you need drugs to live." I realize now that my doctor is also my dealer.

A funny thing happened to the First Amendment on its way to the public forum. According to the Supreme Court, money is now speech and corporations are now people. But when real people without money assemble to express their dissatisfaction with the political consequences of this, they’re treated as public nuisances and evicted.

I hate people who cry around me. I'm not friends with them anymore. Especially girls. Cuz girls are crying all the time. It's like, 'Shut up.'

More than ever before, Americans are suffering from back problems: back taxes, back rent, back auto payments.

Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.

When I played drunks I had to remain sober because I didn't know how to play them when I was drunk.

Life does not require us to be consistent, cruel, patient, helpful, angry, rational, thoughtless, loving, rash, open-minded, neurotic, careful, rigid, tolerant, wasteful, rich, downtrodden, gentle, sick, considerate, funny, stupid, healthy, greedy, beautiful, lazy, responsive, foolish, sharing, pressured, intimate, hedonistic, industrious, manipulative, insightful, capricious, wise, selfish, kind or sacrificed. Life does, however, require us to live with the consequences of our choices.

If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.