Funny Quotes - Page 35

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

It isn't that life ashore is distasteful to me. But life at sea is better.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.

It isn't a matter of black is beautiful as much as it is white is not all that's beautiful.

Money doesn't make you happy. I now have $50 million but I was just as happy when I had $48 million.

My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.

You have to give 100 percent in the first half of the game. If that isn't enough, in the second half, you have to give what's left.

Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy, and the lash.

A minister of state is excusable for the harm he does when the helm of government has forced his hand in a storm; but in the calm he is guilty of all the good he does not do.

It's more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera

A good heavy book holds you down. It's an anchor that keeps you from getting up and having another gin and tonic.

Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings.

Murder is always a mistake. One should never do anything that one cannot talk about after dinner.

Rugby is a good occasion for keeping thirty bullies far from the center of the city.

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. & And second, what can I say? I'm a night owl.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Delusions of grandeur make me feel a lot better about myself.

Learn from the masters, learn from your contemporaries. Always try to update yourself.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

Let me tell you something that we Israelis have against Moses. He took us 40 years through the desert in order to bring us to the one spot in the Middle East that has no oil!