Funny Quotes - Page 38

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

Life... is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.

I have started smiling! I've mastered this smirk; it's a smile that isn't a smile.

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.

Television has made dictatorship impossible but democracy unbearable.

Just like at Hirojima, when Pearl Harbor bombed the Germans!

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well.

There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

There are no ugly women, only lazy ones.

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

If it's sent by ship then it's a cargo, if it's sent by road then it's a shipment.

Babies are always more trouble than you thought and more wonderful.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

It is best for ordinary men to have only one wife !

Don't look forward to the day you stop suffering, because when it comes you'll know you're dead.

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.