Funny Quotes - Page 32

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

Where are all the sour patch parents?

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Unless in communicating with it one says exactly what one means, trouble is bound to result.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent's youth and inexperience.

Christmas is the time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell government what they want and their kids pay for it.

The only reason why you were WWE Champion for a year, is because Triple H didn't want to work Tuesdays.

A man who does not think for himself does not think at all.

Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching.

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

You can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club.

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.

A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.

A drug is not bad. A drug is a chemical compound. The problem comes in when people who take drugs treat them like a license to behave like an asshole.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly! Ha, ha!

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.