Funny Quotes - Page 37

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.

As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

I've never worked out what the moral of Humpty Dumpty is. I can only think of: Don't sit on a wall, if you're an egg.

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

I can resist everything except temptation.

In the past 10,000 years, humans have devised roughly 100,000 religions based on roughly 2,500 gods. So the only difference between myself and the believers is that I am skeptical of 2,500 gods whereas they are skeptical of 2,499 gods. We're only one God away from total agreement.

Being born with a pair of beady eyes was the best thing that ever happened to me.

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.

Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women.

Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them.

The most noteworthy thing about gardeners is that they are always optimistic, always enterprising, and never satisfied. They always look forward to doing something better than they have ever done before.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Life is not worth living if I cannot have pasta or bread again.

I can at any moment convert my time into money, but I do not require more of the latter than is sufficient for necessary purposes.

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

Absence - that common cure of love.

If you have a good idea, open your mouth and say something else.

No volleyball play can begin without a serve, and the serve is the only technique that is totally under your control. In other endeavors, you cannot succeed without believing in yourself, and that belief is completely under your control.

Whoever tells the best story wins.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.