Funny Quotes - Page 34

You live and learn. At any rate, you live.

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people.

Tragedy is a close-up; comedy, a long shot.

I don't like anything in the mainstream and they don't like me.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business in which no cumulative wisdom is gained: each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain - and most fools do.

It's really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.

People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

Retain a calm heart, sit like a turtle, walk swiftly like a pigeon, and sleep like a dog

I`m not a morning person.

There's no half-singing in the shower, you're either a rock star or an opera diva.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

You don't get paid for the hour. You get paid for the value you bring to the hour.

Every man's dream is to be able to sink into the arms of a woman without also falling into her hands.

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.

Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.