Funny Quotes - Page 33

I can't think of anything that excites a greater sense of childlike wonder than to be in a country where you are ignorant of almost everything.

All pitchers are liars or crybabies.

I know worrying works, because none of the stuff I worried about ever happened.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Everybody likes to have a place to think, to meditate, to eat a burrito.

I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat. I'm the Alpo of the NBA.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

The English country-gentleman galloping after a fox — the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.

I won't eat anything that has intelligent life, but I'd gladly eat a network executive or a politician.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.

Americans in particular are myopic. They're not traveling as much. When you were a college student, the next thing you would do on graduation was to take a year off and travel. That's what I did. I went to Indonesia.

If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement.

To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.

Everywhere in the world, music enhances a hall, with one exception: Carnegie Hall enhances the music.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

Room service? Send up a larger room.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.