Funny Quotes - Page 5

I ain't afraid to love a man. I ain't afraid to shoot him either.

I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!

Act your age, not your shoe size.

The suspense is terrible. I hope it'll last.

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

You don't lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.

I'm gonna kick your teeth so far down your throat you'll be able to chew your own ass out for pissin' me off.

When I sell liquor, it's bootlegging. When my patrons serve it on a silver tray on Lakeshore Drive, it's hospitality.

Trample the weak. Hurdle the dead.

The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last, and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

One day ladies will take their computers for walks in the park and tell each other, "My little computer said such a funny thing this morning".

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.

There was a knock on our dressing-room door. Our manager shouted, 'Keith! Ron! The Police are here!' Oh, man, we panicked, flushed everything down the john. Then the door opened and it was Stewart Copeland and Sting.

My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.