Funny Quotes - Page 6

The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else's life.

If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman; she will be all ears.

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

Dogs are animals that poop in public and you're supposed to pick it up. After a week of doing this, you've got to ask yourself, "Who's the real master in this relationship?"

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's: She changes it more often.

Government is like a baby. An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn't sit for a month.

Of all God's creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.

According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.

Crocodiles are easy. They try to kill and eat you. People are harder. Sometimes they pretend to be your friend first.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I have to be seen to be believed.

I drink to make other people more interesting.

I have absolutely no pleasure in the stimulants in which I sometimes so madly indulge. It has not been in the pursuit of pleasure that I have periled life and reputation and reason. It has been the desperate attempt to escape from torturing memories, from a sense of insupportable loneliness and a dread of some strange impending doom.

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

We shall not cease from exploration, and the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well.

Republicans believe every day is the Fourth of July, but the democrats believe every day is April 15.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.