Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
What a fine weather today! Can’t choose whether to drink tea or to hang myself.
When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
It is commonly believed that anyone who tabulates numbers is a statistician. This is like believing that anyone who owns a scalpel is a surgeon.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!
Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.
By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.
The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for.
Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Attack the evil that is within yourself, rather than attacking the evil that is in others.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Haters are just confused admirers because they can't figure out the reason why everyone loves you.
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.
Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.
I'll go anywhere as long as it's forward.
If you want your children to listen, try talking softly - to someone else.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.
Love is just a word, but you bring it definition.
The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help.
I consider myself a crayon... I may not be your favorite color but one day you'll need me to complete your picture.
For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.
