Funny Quotes - Page 59

Last time I went Intercity there were a couple across the aisle having sex. Of course, this being a British train, nobody said anything. Then they finished, they both lit up a cigarette and this woman stood up and said, Excuse me, I think you'll find this is a non-smoking compartment.

Dear me! I must be turning into a god.

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

I've been rich and I've been poor. Rich is better.

The trouble with unemployment is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you're on the job.

I went to college at the University of Kansas, where I got a degree in political science.

Don't wait for a light to appear at the end of the tunnel, stride down there and light the bloody thing yourself.

Ah, yes, divorce... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

The whole of life is but a moment of time. It is our duty, therefore to use it, not to misuse it.

Mansell can see him in his earphone.

I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

The funny thing about stop signs is that they're also start signs.

I just want one day off when I can go swimming and eat ice cream and look at rainbows.

Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

If you are not prepared, you cannot work out intensely. If you do not perform, you cannot get results, and if you can't do your best to recover, you won't get the benefits of your hard work.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.

It was only when I finished the course and left my graduation diploma on the bus that I realized I'd become an actor.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

I believe in the discipline of silence, and could talk for hours about it.

It isn't what they say about you, it's what they whisper.

I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food

Making resolutions is a cleansing ritual of self-assessment and repentance that demands personal honesty and, ultimately, reinforces humility. Breaking them is part of the cycle.