Funny Quotes - Page 58

A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.

I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves.

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I got a lot of support from my parents. That's the one thing I always appreciated. They didn't tell me I was being stupid; they told me I was being funny.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'

In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

George,” said Fred, “I think we’ve outgrown full-time education.” “Yeah, I’ve been feeling that way myself,” said George lightly.

The years between fifty and seventy are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I think that making love is the best form of exercise.

We didn't underestimate them. They were just a lot better than we thought.

I don't remember who said this, but there really are places in the heart you don't even know exist until you love a child.

The dog is very smart. He feels sorry for me because I receive so much mail; that's why he tries to bite the mailman.

Life is a funny thing, the minute you think you've got everything figured out something comes along and turns it all upside down.

Everybody laughs the same in every language because laughter is a universal connection.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

When all think alike, then no one is thinking