Funny Quotes - Page 57

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Never have more children than you have car windows.

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.

Years from now, after I'm gone, someone will listen to what I've done and know I was here. They may not know or care who I was, but they'll hear my guitars speaking for me.

People are bringing shotguns to UFO sightings in Fife, Alabama. I asked a guy, "Why do you bring a gun to a UFO sighting?" Guy said, "Way-ul, we didn' wanna be ab-duc-ted." If I lived in Fife, Alabama, I would be on my hands and knees every night praying for abduction.

I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.

The first law of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts

At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. Its like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And its not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.

It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

When men lose against me, they always have a headache ... or things of that kind. I have never beaten a completely healthy man!

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Here is the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you're alive, it isn't.

Oh, brothers! I don't care for brothers. My elder brother won't die, and my younger brothers seem never to do anything else.

Women have a wonderful instinct about things. They can discover everything except the obvious.

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.