Funny Quotes - Page 56

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure - that is all that agnosticism means.

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

If I ever wear a Chelsea shirt, you have permission to kill me.

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

You must lose everything in order to gain anything.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

The difference between a mountain and a molehill is your perspective.

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

We're our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Like all the best families, we have our share of eccentricities, of impetuous and wayward youngsters and of family disagreements.

Between the optimist and the pessimist, the difference is droll. The optimist sees the doughnut; the pessimist the hole!

I envy people who drink. At least they have something to blame everything on.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

This shirt is "dry-clean only"... Which means it's dirty.

Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.

Well-behaved women seldom make history.

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I didn't get my degree at NYU; I got it later, they gave me an honourary one.

If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.