Funny Quotes - Page 61

A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

Every girl should use what Mother Nature gave her before Father Time takes it away.

We've had the Iron Age, the Stone Age, this is the pissin' about age.

Well, when you're playing good football, it's good football and if you don't have good football, then you're not really playing good football.

Washington is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.

That’s why you call it a budget. You set it and you don’t budge.

All men are equal before fish.

The police are on the way to arrest you for stealing my heart, hijacking my feelings, and driving me crazy.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.

When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

Hands up if you’re ready to do something you’ll regret this weekend. Go forth! You have my blessing.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong-normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

And at the time, it is funny how you can look at something and say, for example with my shoulder injury, when it first happened I said this is the worst thing that could happen to me. Why me, why now? Now I look back and say it was probably the best thing that happened to me

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Know the rules well, so you can break them effectively.

After a truly good meal, an outstanding cigar is still the most satisfying after-dinner activity that doesn't involve two human beings.

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.