Funny Quotes - Page 60

No man can be called friendless who has God and the companionship of good books.

Most beginners want to learn lead because they think it's cool .. consequently, they never really develop good rhythm skills .. since most of a rock guitarists time is spent playing rhythm, it's important to learn to do it well .. learning lead should come after you can play solid backup and have the sound of the chords in your head

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

If it's true that men are such beasts, this must account for the fact that most women are animal lovers.

Man is born for uprightness. If a man lose his uprightness and yet live, his escape from death is mere good fortune.

I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

When an actor marries an actress they both fight for the mirror.

The only church that illuminates is a burning church.

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.

AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

If you come to a fork in the road, take it.

When the waitress asked if I wanted my pizza cut into four or eight slices, I said, 'Four. I don't think I can eat eight.'

I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

Talking about your troubles is no good. Eighty percent of your friends don't care and the rest are glad.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If you desire to drain to the dregs the fullest cup of scorn and hatred that a fellow human being can pour out for you, let a young mother hear you call dear baby 'it.'

You're only half the man that I am, and I have half the brain that you do.

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their job.

The harder I work, the luckier I get.

Thomas Jefferson once said. He said , "We should never judge a President by his age, only by his works." And ever since he told me that, I've stopped worrying. There are those who say I've stopped working.

A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something brussel sprouts never do.

Love is the child of illusion and the parent of disillusion.