Funny Quotes - Page 81

A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself.

I can't get divorced because I'm a Catholic. Catholics don't get divorced. They stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

Unfortunately, once I did learn to smoke, I couldn't stop. I escalated to two packs a day very quickly, and stayed that way for about ten years. When I decided to stop, I adopted the method that my father had used when he quit. He would carry a cigarette in his shirt pocket, and every time he felt like smoking, he would pull out the cigarette and confront it: "Who stronger? You? Me?" Always the answer was the same: "I stronger." Back the cigarette would go, until the next craving. It worked for him, and it worked for me.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.

The moment somebody says "this is very risky" is the moment it becomes attractive to me.

Playing against a defensive opponent is just as bad as making love to a tree.

It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to do it is another question altogether.

Every time I paint a portrait I lose a friend.

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means.

The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

Television – a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done.

In my world, everyone's a pony and they all eat rainbows and poop butterflies!

I am about to - or I am going to - die; either expression is correct.

The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.

A woman has to be intelligent, have charm, a sense of humor, and be kind. It's the same qualities I require from a man.

Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.

Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters in prose.

One out of four people in this country is mentally unbalanced. Think of your three closest friends; if they seem OK, then you're the one.