Funny Quotes - Page 80

One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.'

You can’t make everybody laugh. You gotta just do what you think is funny. Just be obstreperous to everybody.

Dear America, I suppose we should introduce ourselves: We're South Louisiana...You probably already know that we talk funny and listen to strange music and eat things you'd probably hire an exterminator to get out of your yard. We dance even if there's no radio. We drink at funerals. We talk too much and laugh too loud and live too large and, frankly, we're suspicious of others who don't.

I saw this sign posted once, it said, "Blasting Zone Ahead." Wow. Shouldn't that read: "Road Closed?" What do you mean there's a blasting zone? What am I supposed to do? "Hey-uh, you might wanna buckle up. Blasting zone coming up. Yeah. Just saw the sign. Put the helmets on back there! Yeah I think we're- (Pow!)- Oh! We're getting close! (Pow!)- Oh! This is gonna be a bad blasting zone! Remember that last one-we lost Billy?"

Janetty tried to dive through the window to escape, what an act of cowardice.

There is nothing in the world I wouldn't do for (Bob) Hope, and there is nothing he wouldn't do for me ... We spend our lives doing nothing for each other.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change. But pretty soon, everything's different.

I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is - I could be just as proud for half the money

Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.

I won`t cry for you, my mascara`s too expensive

The difference between screwing around and science is writing it down.

Sometimes people deserve a high five, in the face, with a chair.

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

Wind is to us what money is to life on shore.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I can't control the wind but I can adjust the sail.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

Concentration is the ability to think about absolutely nothing when it is absolutely necessary.

People do not deserve to have good writing, they are so pleased with bad.

What is a weed? A plant whose virtues have never been discovered.

Sailors, with their built in sense of order, service and discipline, should really be running the world.

A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.

People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.

Laughing together heartily at the same thing forms an instant bond.