Funny Quotes - Page 79

In my circle of friends, I've always been loud and funny and talkative. But as soon as I step out of that circle, I get very quiet and introspective. I don't want the spotlight on me.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

We have so much time and so little to do. Strike that, reverse it.

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.

The standard four food groups are based on American agricultural lobbies. Why do we have a milk group? Because we have a National Dairy Council. Why do we have a meat group? Because we have an extremely powerful meat lobby.

Only a few things are really important.

Maybe the most that you can expect from a relationship that goes bad is to come out of it with a few good songs.

Everyone I know is looking for solace, hope and a tasty snack.

A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he's not very bright.

A genius is one who can do anything except make a living.

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with AIDS, hepatitis C and liquified genital warts. And while they're all running out and crying, I hope one of them slips and accidentally molests a child.

laugh a lot. It burns a lot of calories.

Give me snuff, whiskey, and Swedes, and I will build a railroad to hell.

Life is too short to spend in negativity. So I have made a conscious effort to not be where I don't want to be.

That's the nature of research you don't know what in hell you're doing.

There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again.

In love, women are professionals, men are amateurs.

Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is.

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.

You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it's an organism that's half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is!

Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called everybody, and they meet at the bar.

I sometimes think, would I drink the milk from the breast of a woman I don't know? No. So I think, why would I drink it from a cow?