Funny Quotes - Page 82

Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.

Most people ignore most poetry because most poetry ignores most people.

Fast is only cool if it's melodic and has substance.

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

Every time I hear the name Joe Louis my nose starts to bleed.

I look at the NBA as a football game without the helmet.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.'

Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.

A good vacation is over when you begin to yearn for your work.

Having a baby changes the way you view your in-laws. I love it when they come to visit now. They can hold the baby and I can go out.

Some people underestimate how erotic it is to be understood.

I'll fight Lloyd Honeyghan for nothing if the price is right.

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

There'll be two dates on your tombstone and all your friends will read 'em but all that's gonna matter is that little dash between 'em.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

To a dog, motoring isn't just a way of getting from here to there, it's also a thrill and an adventure. The mere jingle of car keys is enough to send most any dog into a whimpering, tail-wagging frenzy.

Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

It's hard to get lost if you don't know where you're going.

Nature itself is the best physician.