Funny Quotes - Page 83

Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he'll fall asleep before you finish saying it.

Humility is like underwear; essential, but indecent if it shows.

When you take the time to actually listen, with humility, to what people have to say, it's amazing what you can learn. Especially if the people who are doing the talking also happen to be children.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don't know what he looks like.

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

If you wish to forget anything on the spot, make a note that this thing is to be remembered.

Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

I add a smile to everything I wear and that has worked great for me.

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

A vegetarian is a person who won't eat anything that can have children.

Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer.

Thanks to my solid academic training, today I can write hundreds of words on virtually any topic without possessing a shred of information which is how I got a good job in journalism.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

Age should not have its face lifted, but it should rather teach the world to admire wrinkles as the etchings of experience and the firm line of character.

The better I get to know men, the more I find myself loving dogs.

The real fact is that I could no longer stand their eternal cold mutton.

It is virtually impossible to compete in today's global economy without a college degree.

Hockey players wear numbers because you can't always identify the body with dental records.

Poverty. Racism. Isn't it strange, only the homeless are begging for change?

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

Mom and Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three.